BlueNote #9

It's been a tough month.

I've lost the one I wanted to marry

But I've gained my self

I have nothing more to say right now but many things to post.

If I knew a word to describe God without patronizing or giving gender

I would say thank you -------

You provide me with all I need

Even as I walk alone.

Even as I walk alone

Even as I walk alone 

Even as I die alone

Even as I bloom alone

Even if she doesn't care.

Thank you.

Self

The magnitude of thought has come to light

The generator of power is burning with growing strength

The triangle is rising and the wings are unfolding.

What a strange time to daydream.

Strange indeed,

I feel the change of the universe coming through me granting me the freedom to be myself

The bondage of pain no longer blinds me and I find myself 

Free..

Free to be Self.

This Self I find cannot be defined, but must be lived.

She must live through me fully.

I can no longer protect her with isolation from reality.

She cries out of joy and fear, it is more than she hoped for.

To feel a connection

To be alive

The grey flesh tones of death have been lifted and a radiant gold shines from within me.

This is me.

Free-dom is my Queen-dom

The ego prefers pain to reality and suffering to truth. This underlying characteristic keeps us enslaved in a brutal world we ourselves create. We cannot blame parents or circumstances for the state of our mind. We can patiently come to terms with the  internal world we have built and let that dissolve into the true greater magnificence of what is.

Awaken or Repeat

"silent characters fill my belly
leaving their footprints and ink marks on the walls of my stomach
I crouch over beside myself with pain ,(so i think),
unable to tell if their dance makes me sick or causes me great joy."

I haven't spoken to you in what feels like decades,
but I have held my ground.
I have rooted myself in the soil of the universe,
to whom we have both pledged our lives.
I have kept my word, and have only thought of myself during my loneliest moments.
I have,
 like you foretold, fallen in love with myself.
This love has come to me like a spirit in the night
and has stolen my breathe and has given me new air.
I have never had vision so clear.
I have never been more afraid to see your face again.
In my infidelity, I have gained the eye of the original I am.
I will finally be able to enter you again, for the first time.
My heart is solid, but my stomach responds, I can hear the drums of your coming.
This song, is not the song of victory I had so long replayed in my heart, this song, is the song of mourning.
Still, I stand, rooted in the soil we so long ago pledged our lives to.
The procession arrives, and our eyes meet as they have in every lifetime of ten million years.
I look in you, to see what is left of our promise and what is left of your heart.
I enter the darkest caves and dungeons  and gracefully pass through the holograms of childhood and yesterday.
I find you,
I see you,
the you 
that is me.
My breathe escapes and enters your lips, 
the drums change their rhythm.
I remain grounded.
we hold our stare.
I see the wounds you have brought home, and you see the neglect I have suffered.
You turn from me suddenly and a deep wail is heard from nowhere.
You continue with the procession, again you deem our love unworthy of stopping,
I cannot chase you, I am rooted.

I haven't spoke to you in what feels like decades
but I have held my ground,
I have rooted myself in the soil of the universe, to whom we both have pledged our lives.
The winds carry the sounds of a far away procession. 
I whisper to your heart, to my heart, to the heart we share,
"come home, here is your home, the war has been fought and won, we only await the victory song....come home and play our song"

Personal

Thank you.

You have made a choice to enter my portal.

This portal is yours alone.

You are stepping foot onto black soil.

This soil, is from whence you came, this soil is from the blackness of space,

and it disassociates from color, beliefs, or status.

You have chosen to disconnect.

Now you choose to reconnnect,

To the I Am of Life.

Wherever Life may land.

May you live it.

amun

Fire and me

I've been aborted five times and haven't died once. You can't kill my spirit. You can't kill my purpose. Further perfection is granted through my trials.

Port ______

Destination and arrival have met in my soul

My mind thinks,

about looking for other signs and symbols

It thinks,

and would like to re-echo the mean mantras of self hate and disgust

It would like to reach out and hurt somebody

Time is afraid of my awakening

Time and thinking dissolve when

Destination and arrival meet

I have been re-jolted back to life

My soul finally recognizes itself in the dark and in the mirror

I journey through the files marked significant in my memory

I see so many faces and hear so many words 

All the clues of my lifetime

All the moments of love missed on purpose 

to lead me to this point.

Here I am. In space. My voice is no longer audible in this territory.

Silence has always held the answer,