eyes and heart open

There is always an incident or idea that occurs, to make you realize your eyes and heart weren't as open as you had believed..

A long time ago, when I was a little girl, my mother had become friends with a widow who had 3 children.
Later on this family became my family as well..
we all have grown up and have taken various paths in our lives,
I thought i had a clear view of the minds of my family and friends
but after watching a documentary created by one of those children (now grown man)
i see i knew nothing,


its always like that, you think you know..but knowing is such a small box to try and fit yourself into.
Today i go forth (once again) brushing off my ego, knowing i know nothing, and knowing that that is greater than anything..

love.

Scent

I get more than a few comments on how i smell.. lol
funny right?
I mean, it's never anything negative

Here are a few:
wood
insense
vanilla
oil
vanilla and coconut* britni lol
flowers
collette

It tickles me..
anyways

tonight was an interesting night, beautiful food and friends.. I'm glad I got out. I'm gonna miss my girl A.G
Listening to 'In a Sentimental Mood' ..love that melody
Im going to rest now..
Buenos Noches

Matters of My Human Heart and Desire (love)

where is a safe place to state my underlying disappoint with my love affair..
with my lover?
is it really safe inbetween the lines of words?
do these words vow to never truely express my hearts longing for a burning, raging, blaze of love?
yes..i want to be burned to ashes in love
i am bored with these smoke signals we occasionally offer eachother
i want to smell like ur scorched soul
i want to inhale ur skin particles and digest ur thoughts
..
is it safe here,
to state what i really want in a forever lover

i want a look that is only shared between us..
i want to be the main character in your nightmares and the savior in your sweet dreams
i want a little of your blood on my pillow so i may lay with some of you every night

i just want us to walk together on a beach
or street
alone or together, so connected that we can feel when the others heart skips a beat

i want to smash your face in with my hands to make sure your real
i want my lover and I to leave eachother just because it feels so good to miss somebody

it would be even better if we owned all the gold in the world too..
but wte. ill take ambition strength indepencence and deep understanding any day..

you and I ..
lets run away
lets make our way to a place where the only food we need is in our eyes devouring one another..
where the sun blesses our skin with kisses as we eat tropical fruit and smoke hash..and if he doesnt like to smoke..he can watch me enjoy it..unless he has stolen that habit from me...which i will freely give him,
if he becomes my high..
if he becomes the infusion of liquor in my blood..ill never drink again..


i hope my desires are safe here..inbetween these lines of my thoughts and electronic paper..

a sign?

Today I looked into the Maryland sun and i fell into a much needed stillness
i felt every cell from the roots of my hair to the dry skin on my feet soak up the vitamin D of life.
and all i could say was "father" yes i associate my source with a father like figure..it comforts me..
anyways..after my moment of silence
i stretched and got up from my invented yoga position..
my friend came from inside and just looked at me,
i begin to yell at him and the sun for a sign!

"tell me what to do and ill do it!
do you want me to teach?
ill teach every student with every ounce of my heart!
do you want me to do science research?
ill become a lab expert!
do you want me to act?
ill..."
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!
a bumble bee appeared and almost ran into my friend and I..

we both fell silent..
a sign?
maybe..

we went inside after that..but a smiled played on my lips..i mean.. why not?

Heart of Darkness (what does the dark look like?)

a slow mysterious swirl of knowlege,
knowing for yourself what the dark-side can taste like
i dont need to warn you
some people become addicted
most do.
its a sweet poison, made for man.

"Ive done too much!
and maybe my too much, is just enough.
ive spoken too much
ive drank too much
ive fucked too much
i did a little of every thing too damn much!
and now I am here, laying down,
 and confessing to you."

i am not as good as you think i am, and i am not as bad as i think i am.
with too much knowledge!
you begin to become unatural!
the seeds of judgement are planted!
I judge!
you judge!
we judge ourselves.

but we cannot stop the knowledge from happening
pondering on such matters as to why, or how, or when, are nothing but a distraction.
the dark is here now,
because it always was
and it has never left.

yes, we are children of the light.
what does darkness look like
it is hidden and yet transparent.
the dark looks like the ugliness we hold inside ourselves.
knocking on our every thought and word..
the background of our childhoods..

my thoughts are rocking..lets call this a day
(written way before the date i pressed publish)

growing up (4/11/11)

you began to ask yourself, when did i become this person

who no longer searched for the treasure at the end of the rainbow.

or better yet,

who stopped givin a fuck about a rainbow.

magic happens all around us.

change ya frequency